How to Keep a Conversation Going: 3 Japanese Strategies.

The situation is unique compared to daily conversations with your friends, which does not need much effort to keep a conversation going. I assume you are trying to start a new relationship, whether you are dating someone new or trying to connect with a new business partner. In these situations, a smooth and flowing conversation forms an important part of your first impression to them. I have googled this topic but could not find similar contents that I have learned from a bestseller book written by a Japanese, that solely teaches readers the art of keeping a conversation going. I have no idea how much these skills are translatable to people of non-Japanese culture. I hope this article could provide alternative strategies to complement suggestions from articles with a similar topic.

Strategy (1):
Don’t Exchange Information, Do Exchange Emotions.

The difference between information and emotions is:
Information is OUTSIDE of you VS Emotion is INSIDE you.

Even for the most trending news or viral topics of the time, prevent starting topics with pure information exchange. Pure information exchange is useless in drawing attention from the counterpart that you are the one that he/she wants to continue a relationship with because the information is just irrelevant to you as an attractive partner. For example,

What is not so good:

You: “Have you watched that viral video on YouTube? 😂”

He/She: “Yeah… “

Instead, start your topic by expressing your emotion right away, BOLDLY.

You: “LOLLLLLL That video is CRAZY!!! Almost DIED from laughing!!! 🤣🤣”

He/She: “I really like the YouTuber… (blablabla)”

Emotional expression is always effective in drawing people's attention so they are more interested in keeping talking to you.

Strategy (2):
Talk about Your Own Episodes and Experience

We have just learned to express your emotion BOLDLY and DIRECTLY. Now let’s build on top by adding your own episodes and experience of the day.

You: “Today I was soooo pissed off!!! My friends and I just watched that viral YouTube video. We almost DIED from laughing!!! That was in the canteen then someone came, told us we LOL were spreading germs in the air!!! Huh?? We fought in the canteen… suddenly the police came and we were all arrested!!! 2020 WTF??!?!!!! 😩😩😩”

Such scenes in daily life may be rare. But the success of Netflix really taught us one thing: people love DRAMAS! When telling your everyday stories, try to make them a bit dramatic. Even if they are really normal in reality, try to slice out a scene that you are more unforgettable, share this episode with expressing your emotions boldly, regardless of the scene was happy, sad, or furious. It will keep his/her interest in your conversation because your episodes and experience seem to be interesting, so do you as a partner!

Strategy (3): If the Conversation Stopped…
Return to Topics About You but Don’t Ask Questions.

Sometimes it is unavoidable that the conversation stopped, then you don’t know what to do. Should I continue the same topic? Or should I just change a topic? But what topic should I change to? Don’t panic and remember this rule: it is always quite natural to continue a conversation by returning to topics about yourself. But of course, there is a possibility that the counterpart has been fed up with the conversation, so DON’T ASK QUESTIONS because that will shift the conversation focus to him/her. For example,

What is not so good:

… (conversation stopped)…

You: “Opss! I still haven't bought a Christmas gift but tomorrow is the party night!! Any idea what to get?… 🙃”

He/She: “…”

(maybe he/she is feeling annoyed so does not want to answer anymore)

Instead, you may want to try something like this:

… (conversation stopped)…

You: “Last week on Amazon I bought this, “2020 Best Prank Christmas Gift” 😜😜😜 I showed it to my friends and we just can’t wait to see how people react to this thing at the party!!! 😂😂😂”

He/She: “WOW!! 😂 Show me… (blablabla) 🤪🤪🤪”

It’s often easy to risk shifting the conversation focus to him/her by asking questions e.g. “what do you think?”, “what do you like?” or questions alike with the counterpart as the subject. But think in this way: you are still at an early stage of a relationship so he/she may not have ANY interest to gain focus from you. You risk ending the conversation by feeding him/her up by asking unnecessary questions that he/she has no interest to answer.

So remember if a conversation stopped, try to return to a topic around you by applying rules (1) and (2). It is always quite natural to start another topic related to yourself when a conversation stopped. But remember, avoid asking questions.

Conclusion

Let’s summarize: make YOURSELF the subject in the conversation to keep it going. Prevent talking about news or trending topics because that will hardly raise your counterpart's interest in you. Avoid asking unnecessary questions that may risk losing focus on you. Share your everyday episodes and experience. Share your emotion boldly. And finally, try to be a bit dramatic while telling your stories.

The Missing Japanese Part

Although Japanese is one of the keywords in the title, after generalizing in English and using examples that are more Western, this article turned out to have lost all the Japanese sensations. This short note is for people who are interested in knowing the Japanese cultures of keeping a conversation going:

Social interaction among Japanese people is delicate. Foreign Japanese language learners will know, in Japanese language exams we have a section that needs us quickly choose a response that is the most suitable for a given statement/ question from the counterpart. In other words, there is some degree of bound for the way how people could (or should) respond to others in Japanese, or else the counterpart will feel awkward or just don’t know how to respond further. In such a sense, communications among Japanese is methodological. Or in other words, there could be protocols of communication to learn from.

When a Japanese work in a company, it’s inevitable to talk with colleagues or business partners who he/she has no interests to talk to privately. But they still have to talk because it is work, which is a top priority in the Japanese mind. Therefore, someone wrote a book to teach people the method of keeping a conversation going. But the author did not stop at that point, he hoped readers who followed his methods when talking to a new friend could turn the relationship into a long one, either the counterpart maybe a life partner, or a business person readers will have a long relationship with.

Reference
Name: 「超雑談力 人づきあいがラクになる 誰とでも信頼関係が築ける」
Author: 五百田達成
ISBN: 978–4799325780